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Am I a bad friend? Or am I just human?


My friendships are the most important thing to me after my family. I hold them to an incredibly high standard and that has allowed me to have some incredibly valuable connections that I wouldn’t trade for the world. You know that saying which goes you don’t know what you had until you’ve lost it, I have experienced that quite a few times in my two decades on earth so I really grateful to have the people I get to call friends.


I have been lucky to call some incredible people friends. Who have really raised the standards for everyone else in my life. I no longer accept the bare minimum from people because I know my standards aren’t unreasonable because there are people who have met and exceeded them. So why settle for catfish once I have had caviar?


But the secret to having good friends is being to maintain your relationships with the people you respect and admire, across time and place. This is the part I have perhaps struggled with in the past. I used to joke I was born in the wrong century because I struggle to text. When I do get around to it they are usually in paragraphs once every three weeks which at that point might as well be a pigeon delivered letter.


I honestly would much rather carve time out to see a friend in person and have good conversations than texting for non-logistical purposes. But you’ve got to do what you got to do to keep in touch when you are on conflicting schedules living in different parts of the country.


I want to stay up to date on my friends’ lives and share their high and lows with them. Celebrate the wins and comfort them through the losses. But what I have recently been struggling with is being there for my friends whilst trying to show up for myself.


I know I shouldn’t feel guilty about just trying to get through exam season and therefore not being able to catch up with friends or reply to their messages when I am clearly online and posting on my stories. Like aforementioned, I tend to text in paragraphs which often requires me to be fully present when I reply.


And lately I have struggled to come up for air so I haven’t been my best self, the version my friends truly deserve. I am not present and whiny and always complaining about one thing or another. When I do speak to my friends I have found I am dumping my issues on them instead of having a conversation.


Which I inevitably feel guilty about because I have been that friend that would only hear the other person complain but when the tables turned and I wanted to speak about my problems they were reduced to minor inconveniences and my feeling were invalidate, and I never want any of my friends to feel that way.


Like I want to be excited with them when they are excited but how do I do that without being inauthentic if I am not really okay at that point. Like I have spent the last month apologising for not being a good friend or like not being there like I normally am. I am actively present whenever someone needs, always the therapist friend.


I hold myself to incredibly high standards. I have made it a point to actively treat all my friendships like relationships. I date all my friends where I try to have one on one time with them and continue having interesting conversations with them because I don’t want to my friendships to become complacent. It’s like gardening. You can plant seeds all you want but if you don’t nurture them they won’t survive. But recently I have been struggling to nurture them. I know my friends aren’t sat there twiddling their thumbs wondering if I hate them. Even though once upon a time if the tables were reversed that would have been me.


But I need to remember that in order to nurture my friendships I need to take time off. I shouldn’t feel guilty about not being available 24/7 because just like I am rooting for my friends and understand they are busy, they will also extend me the same curtesy. Because I have picked my people wisely. They know that I have picked them to be in my life (and spam) and how much I respect and value their presence in my life. Ugh I really do have some amazing friends and I work really hard to let them know this. I think they knew this already but if they didn’t now they do for sure.


So I guess I am writing this as a reminder to me to be kinder to myself and for my friends to let them know how much I appreciate them. They really are the best. So I am going stop spiralling now and go to sleep so I can wake up for my exam tomorrow and be done with it.


Thank you for reading.


Love yourself,

Nashrah xo

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