Happy February lovely humans. I think I might be having a little bit of an existential crisis. I mean I have a blog on the internet that people actually know about, which isn’t really anonymous. Consequently, this means anything I put up here I risk being thrown back at my face at any point in my life. I really have to think before I speak (type?) but I also don’t want to filter my thoughts so here’s mine for tonight. How do I stop making things about myself?
A while ago, I was having a conversation with a friend about this. For context I would say whilst we are very different, how we carry ourselves in public settings is very similar. We both are very capable of having conversations with a wall. So when the two of us are in the room no one else really has to speak unless they want to. We are very happy to divulge and discuss the nitty gritty of things using anecdotes from our own lives.
I think I do it to move the conversation along, because people are a lot more willing to be vulnerable when they witness someone else doing it first. My friend mentioned it was her way of empathising. But what she flagged that I failed to consider was that others might interpret our efforts as steering the spotlight away from them onto ourselves. Which isn’t really what we set out to do but it definitely is a casualty that arises.
I have always found myself to be one of the loudest voices in the room, that has been my normal. I haven’t had to think about when I can get a word in because I am driving the conversation. For the longest time I had no idea how annoying it might be for my friends at the time because I lacked the awareness to understand they probably didn’t care about whatever I was saying but were merely humouring me, as good friends do.
So I yammered on. But time teaches you a thing or two as the years went by I have become more aware of why my niche interests are just mine. Or I have discovered people who share the same excitement as me about that things I love and have come to realised that perhaps the others didn’t care.
So much of myself had been about portraying myself a certain way because I wanted to perceived how I perceived my favourite characters. My LinkedIn picture is literally from halloween when I dressed up as Blair Waldorf. But just like Blair, I also had raging mommy and daddy issues which ended up in me being extremely sensitive and self absorbed. I started suffering from main character syndrome. Where if it wasn’t about me it didn’t even happen. I lacked emotional maturity and was inconsiderate of anyone else’s feelings. Whilst I didn’t have malicious intent, impact matters a lot more than intent does. Our actions impact others. So we must be considerate.
A group of us scattered across the country, do a weekly Monday night zoom call, where we talk about our lives, sometimes create yearly bingos or even write letters to our future selves. Couple of days ago a friend expressed for us all to be a little more mindful during these calls to let everyone have the opportunity to share their experiences. Whilst I know it wasn't directed at me in particular because then she would have addressed it privately with me, it did get me to reflect on how I can make the effort to elevate voices who might not be as loud as I am but have something equally interesting or important to say.
It has been on my mind a lot recently. Balance is something I have struggled to achieve pretty much in anything in life, which might have something to do with my ADHD but that isn’t an excuse for me to be a shitty human being. I really do love talking to people. It is my favourite form of recreation. It is the best and the fastest way for me to feed my curiosity. So I want to be able to make people feel heard, not dismissed.
Often I am guilty of isolating people out of entire conversations because I am really focused on the specific person I am speaking to in that particular moment. Everything and everyone else ceases to exist. Again, might be the ADHD but this why I thrive on private iMessages instead of WhatsApp group chats. I don’t want to have small talk about work and the weather. I want to speak about things that excite you or things that you struggle with and how you navigate that. But how do I do that in a groups? When it isn’t a meeting? How do I stop making things about myself?
Write me back!
Love yourself,
Nashrah
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