You’re on your own kid, you always have been. That has been the biggest lesson I have learnt this year.
And that is coming after a year I have felt loved like I never have before. So trust me when I say this. BURN THOSE FUCKING BRIDGES; leave and slam the door on your way out just to be dramatic. Don’t stay in a friendship, relationship or job that doesn’t serve you anymore. Don’t stay if you feel disrespected. Don’t stay because you’re scared. You will be doing yourself a disservice. You deserve SO much better! You know you do.
And as your internet best friend (real life too for those of you who know me, hi!), I am telling you it is okay. You will be okay if you leave. You will be better than okay and when you look back in a couple of weeks, month, years you will be so grateful that you left when you did. And many times you will be doing the other person a favour too even if it doesn’t feel like that in that moment. I know because I have been on both sides of the tide. I have left and I have been left. So trust me when I say this, if something has run its course in your life its okay to leave.
I am writing this soon after I decided I was going to let go of someone I once considered a friend but this, just like Taylor Swift songs, is applicable to all things in life. Leaving doesn’t mean you’re giving up. Leaving doesn’t mean you’re selfish or weak. It means you know your worth and have standards for the people in your life (as you should). When your standards aren’t being met you have every right to remove yourself from a situation that doesn’t serve you anymore.
Every time you’re letting the person you’re dating treat you like shit it is costing you someone who will treat you right. If you are spending time with people who make you question whether they love you, it is keeping you from truly being loved. When you stay in a job you detest and are bad at, it will probably prevent you from living a life in which you wake up each morning eager to go to work and, as a result, make a shit ton of money doing it. You get the point!
I know it is scary. But think back to the worst moment in your life. The one that you thought you couldn’t come back from. Well you did, because if you truly hadn’t you wouldn’t be here reading this right now and even if it hurts now you’ve still made it back from it. But think back to it and how it felt like it was the end of the world in the moment. But it wasn’t. You had the rug being pulled under from you and you came out of it fine. So this time, when you are executively making the decision to swap out the rug you definitely will be fine. Even if it hurts in the moment. You will be okay.
By axing everything that bogs you down you will feel lighter. Yes it will hurt, it has to. They are growing pains, it means you’re moving forward. For yourself. Towards the things you truly deserve. I think of it like getting a tattoo, you know it is going to hurt for a little bit in the beginning but you know it will be worth it afterwards. (And if you are rolling your eyes at my cheesy metaphor or can’t relate, neither can I because I have actually never gotten a tattoo I am just trying to make a point here so just go with it!)
Earlier this year, a friend broke up with me and I for the life of me couldn’t understand what the point of that was because I belonged to the school of not actually communicating with people (more on that another day). But the whole incident confused me because had we just drifted like I previously ended every other friendship of mine I wouldn’t have been the one at fault. This was really fucking bad for my ego, because whilst I had a really poor sense of self worth, I didn’t want to be told I was bad at being a friend. I HATED BEING BAD AT THINGS! Over the course many lengthy paragraphs, lots of tears and two whole days of speaking but not understanding what the other person is saying, we parted ways. OK that was a bit dramatic. She decided we weren’t going to be friends anymore and that was that. I was confused and blind sighted. Our mutual friends where clearly on her side or “didn’t want to get involved”, I was exiled and their lives went on as normal. Like one minute I was there, and then I wasn’t but they didn’t even care. I had never in my life felt so lonely or lost. The crushing blow was the dinner that was on all of their BeReals that weekend whilst I was in bed still reeling from the aftermath with The Archer on the loop (because if we haven’t established already I AM dramatic). I considered all of those girls my close friends, so to find out I meant so little to them hurt. There is a lot more to unpack there and I will soon.
But whatever, I decided I was going to remove them from my private story (because that is how dramatic Gen Zs cope with their problems apparently LOL) and go about my life, no point in rehashing things I would rather forget. But that was the problem. I couldn’t forget. And exam season was around the corner which meant I had to get my shit together. So I did something probably I should’ve done long long before. I booked a counselling appointment with my university’s mental health service. I didn’t know what to expect, I previously had little luck with it. After an hour of verbal diarrhoea, I was told I probably had self esteem issues which was confusing because I was an extremely confident person I always had been. Anyways so after that first session I put my head down and got through my exams, decided I was going start taking medication for depression; then over the course of the summer, with a series of counselling sessions, I was able to unpack a lot of deep psychological stuff I had to work through to from way back into my childhood until now.
In the mean time I was also forming a few friendships, because when you get alienated from your entire social circle you have a lot of free time to go out and meet new people. I stopped speaking to a boy who wouldn’t give me the time of day. I got a job! My first proper job! One that I would have to pay taxes for! It was a real big deal for me! And I finally got a corporate placement, something that caused me a lot of stressed through my academic year that followed. And I went abroad to see my cousin for the first time in seven years. I had the BEST summer of my life. For the first time I truly felt alive, happy, loved and grateful that I got broken up with. I am not joking. I sent her a massive paragraph, thanking her for breaking up with me, at five in the morning after my 21st birthday party. I wept like a baby as I composed that text because of much love I felt in my living room that night. That break up was the catalyst that steamrolled the personal growth this past year, without that break up I wouldn’t have started my final year at university enjoying everyone moment of it. Even the long hard days because I know I am making memories I will look back upon fondly someday. The point is I was fine. Better off actually, because she left. And you will be too. TRUST ME.
It is the best gift you can give to yourself and that person. You will both be better for it. Some people come into your life for a reason, some a season and very few a lifetime and whilst its too soon to make any claims yet I have definitely started to pick out the ones I want around for as long as I can. And it was possible because somebody had the courage to leave. So do it. Because everything you lose is a step you take and you’ve got no reason to be afraid. You’ve got this.
And yes if you couldn’t tell this, like everything else in my life, was heavily inspired by my favourite Taylor Swift song, You’re On Your Own Kid.
Love yourself,
Nashrah xo
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