Okay, so as someone who has been the therapist friend for decades, I feel qualified to say this. I never went through a boy crazy phase, because I was brought up by two women who always encouraged me to chase independence rather than boys, my conversations growing up was about what I wanted to be when I grew up, the things I wanted to achieve, and the places I wanted to study at. Yes, I was a nerd. Yes, I derived my value from my academic achievements (which isn’t a good thing either more on that here) rather than the attention from which ever new boy everyone else was talking about. Which isn’t to say I shaming anyone who did, I was friends with these people and whilst some of their boy toys did not make sense to me I am not going to sit here and judge them when I have made my fair share of problematic decisions too.
The reason I think I wasn’t boy crazy in my primary school years unlike my childhood best friend might have to do with the fact that my biggest role model Srabon Ma, my aunt, was an ambitious and extremely successful fashion designer way before she settled down and got married. Growing up she was everything I wanted to be. She was good at her job and respected. Srabon Ma is one of the most charismatic and kind humans I have met, but she will also put the people in their place if need be. She is married now and has two beautiful children, but I have never associated her with a man. She has always just been Srabon Ma the superwoman instead of Srabon Ma, someone’s wife or someone’s mother. She is just Srabon Ma. Younger than my mother by 7 years, Srabon Ma represents the very best parts of my mum for me. My mother is my best friend in this entire world and the whole reason I am the way I am. She is the strongest person I know and there is a lot to be said about that another day but for now what you need to know is that she and her sister shaped me up to grow up and be me. When you have been brought up by people such, you have really high standards for the people in your life, and hence physically and mentally prepubescent boys didn’t really make the cut of people that I was excited to interact with. Now that we’ve established that, before anyone calls me a man-hater allow me to clarify that I am a shitty person hater. So if you are someone (most likely a man) who feels attacked by reading this, perhaps ask yourself why? More importantly, if the shoe fits, walk in it Cinderella.
Anyways I was speaking to a childhood friend yesterday, we’ve known each other since before we could spell our names properly. Year 4 onwards, she has never not had a boyfriend. Since about Year 4 is also when I became the unpaid therapist friend. Which I am not complaining about at all. I am nosy and I love psychoanalysing people so trust me when say I have thoroughly enjoyed it and have had long-term experience with hearing friends go on and on about the boyfriends, or their crushes, oh or the new boy off a dating app they’re hooking up with. It is all SO MUCH fun until the cracks beneath the surface of the banter and the flirting starts showing, the texts get shorter, the replies take longer and your friends start listening to Story of Us or Better Man or their break up playlists on repeat whilst you have to sit there and watch it.
It is rather excruciating for me to sit and watch my friends do things they don’t want to because they are enchanted by an emotionally stunted fuck boy, so they are going to try to convince themselves of what they want to believe regardless of what the truth actually is. As a formerly emotionally unavailable fuck boy who has also dealt with emotionally unavailable fuck boys, I can very much confirm this narrative. It doesn’t matter what the rational part of your brain tells you, when you don’t respect yourself, you will fail to set boundaries, and hence allow others to disrespect you. Disrespect can take many forms, flaking on plans or making excuses for their actions instead of taking accountability when you to address things that bother you. I have been on both sides of the coin, I have gaslit and ghosted perfectly lovely people and I have also been the lovestruck fool. There was this boy from some time ago, my friends could’ve literally told me he was the devil and I wouldn’t have bat an eyelid. But I was thinking about it the other day how I wouldn’t have let my friend put up with the shit I put up with, because I was hanging onto the impression of him from the very first night for dear life and really wanted that version of him to be the one. I would hide things from my friends, not share the whole story if I was telling them something, I would sugar coat anecdotes because I didn’t want them to tell me what I already knew but didn’t want to admit to myself. And boy oh boy, was I in for a ride. But I am glad that happened, I learnt so much about myself during that time, eventually it got to a point where my self-respect finally kicked in and I couldn’t allow myself to let that go on, so all is well that ends well.
The reason I’m sharing my dirty laundry on the internet once again is because I’m trying to make a point. The fact that it didn't matter to what my friends said about him, I did what I wanted to do. Nothing was going to stop me from seeing him until I was ready to stop. So I started hiding things from my friends and that pushed us apart or at least put dividers between us. It’s not really that big of a deal, but it is. Your friends have got your back like no other. If you have picked these people to be in your life then you should trust their judgement. Otherwise why else would you have them in your life? I am strictly of the opinion that if your friends don’t like your boyfriend then he shouldn’t be your boyfriend, unless you don’t respect yourself or your friends. Because why shouldn’t the people you have picked to spend your time with get along? So the fact that your friends can’t stand your man speaks volume. SO PLEASE DO NOT BE BLIND OR DEAF, LISTEN TO YOUR FRIENDS.
The ghosts of my past mistakes came back to me as this childhood friend of mine was sharing her boy problems with me, and it felt like I was reliving this past chapter from my life beat by beat, which makes me think like this is a universal experience, that everybody goes through at least once maybe multiple times but at least once. It would be kind of wholesome, if it weren’t so fucked up. But the moral of the story is that all boys are the same and all girls are the same. Therefore we are likely to behave in similar ways perhaps at different times of our lives, but similar nonetheless. So I have permission from her to share this, but the story goes Boy Meets Girl Boy, Boy likes Girl, Girl starts liking Boy, but then Boy starts flaking and pulling away. Acting like he is doing Girl a favour by speaking with her, crazy right? More recently Boy expressed concerns about being seen with Girl in public which was kind of the nail in the coffin and made a Girl seek advice from Friend (me). Girl wanted me to tell her to end it, but I wasn’t going to do that regardless of my personal feelings about the situation. If she ended things because I said so, it wouldn’t have lasted long, sooner on later she would have gone back to him. So I told her about my history with the boy above and what I learnt through it, which was that Girl had to respect herself first, if she wanted him to treat her with respect. People only treat you the way you allow them to treat you, so set boundaries with them, and if your boundaries aren’t being met you’ve gotta take an axe to that fence.
In my years as a therapist friend, I have discovered that people will do whatever it is they want to do so do not get invested or give advice. My job isn’t to solve their life problems, but rather help them to come to the solutions themselves. My way of helping often includes personal narratives of my own mistakes, a lot like this blog actually. I can share what my experiences are and what I’ve learnt from them and then you can choose to do with that what you want. So that led to us taking a trip down memory lane, and hence this little essay that is not so little. So help your friends see the light, DO NOT let them date a poor excuse of an emotionally stunted human bin bag. But don’t tell them you hate the boyfriend, because that is just going to drive you apart, treat your friends with kid gloves, speak in metaphors, hold onto them as tightly as possible. Or if your friends aren’t keen on your boyfriend, listen to them, they have got your backs like no other.
But most of all,
Love yourself,
Nashrah xo
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