Hi, sorry I was gone for months! Going to quickly pop back like a toxic ex to discuss toxic traits. Tell me, would you tell your friends what their toxic traits are? Because we all have them, you are lying to yourself if you think you don’t. I was on our semi-regular Thursday night FaceTime with one of my favourite friends, and we were discussing each other’s toxic traits.
It came up in conversation as she was telling me that it was a hot topic around campus recently and a lot of her friends, all of whom know her quite well, wouldn’t give her an answer when she broached the topic. Something she shared after we both thoroughly dissected and discussed each other’s toxic traits for a good while.
I understand not wanting to ruffle feathers with acquaintances or people who you don’t know well enough. But when it is a friend, one you know and love, who is inviting the conversation, why wouldn’t you participate? Are you a pussy? Or do you not trust yourself to communicate your opinion in a manner that doesn’t hurt your friend?
If I am asking you to tell me what my toxic trait is, it is because I genuinely want to know, and even if what you say has the potential to hurt me, I know it isn’t coming from a place of malice. Perhaps it stems from my love of conversation, but while I am fiercely private as a person, I will also, at leisure, discuss my thoughts and feelings with those that I trust (or occasionally on the internet because I don’t GAF lol). Why else would I keep them in my life?
I don’t want yes-men in my life; I want friends who, alongside celebrating me, also tell me the truth, hold me accountable, and haul my ass back in line if I step out because, as a human, I will probably make mistakes (a lot of them). Which is why as your friend, I will also, with the utmost care and sensitivity, be honest with you about who you are.
My closest friendships have been formed at 3 in the morning on a couch or around the kitchen island, talking about something obscure (and probably depressing) in great detail, trying to understand each other’s perspectives, irrespective of how different those perspectives were.
That is the part I miss most about university: having all of my friends in the same city, the dinners that went on until sunrise, the hours on hours worth of podcast-worthy conversations (omg we have occasionally recorded ourselves, and it is just on a voice memo app waiting to never see the light of day).
I think as I write this now and reflect on it, it really boils down to trust and respect. I don’t dish out unsolicited life advice, and so I am not going to go around listing people’s toxic traits to them. I do want to know how people think and what goes on in their brains and absolutely what they think of me (I will just point-blank ask because it is amusing) but not everyone wants that.
Admittedly, whilst I may have opinions about what certain toxic traits of my friends might be, I don’t think I would say it to many of them, simply because I think it might be a pain point for them. So they aren’t going to invite the conversation, nor will I ever press on that wound. If they ever did, I will pad my delivery with the utmost love and sensitivity, but I think they deserve the truth. As a friend, I literally signed up for it.
I asked the friend I had this discussion with if she thought there was anything anyone could have said that would have hurt her? And she admitted that it might potentially could if it was something about her she didn’t necessarily want the world to know yet.
Which is sort of a different attitude to mine, where I don’t think I would care. It is a combination of self-awareness and shamelessness. I almost called it apathy (but I care too much to know why people think what they think to be apathetic). So my reactions would go two ways: if it is something I blatantly disagree with, I will probably tell one of my best friends, and we will have a laugh about it. Or it would spark a brain workout like this one, that I will share with the internet despite claiming to be private and guarded.
It is really important to have a diverse set of personalities who bring different perspectives into your life, the same way you want your investment portfolios to be. Having bonds, ETFs, and REITs in addition to index funds is a lot more stable for your financial health than just buying FAANG stocks off the NASDAQ because they are cool and trending.
Sorry if that was too finance-y of a metaphor for you; I was inspired by Taylor Swift’s new album that has far too many finance call-outs and metaphors, but that is a different conversation altogether. Maybe a genuine toxic trait of mine is somehow tying everything back to Taylor Swift. Anyways.
The people we keep in our lives are also an investment; they make our lives better or worse. So make sure you can pick ones after thoroughly vetting them, make sure you know how they think, even if you don’t agree on everything, you should agree on your core principles of right or wrong, and I think that would enable trust, honesty, and some real fun conversations with friends (even if no one else thinks so, if the lot of you are having fun, who really gives a fuck).
OMG, this was so fun to write; I will tell you a secret. For the last four months, I have tried to write several times but always abandoned them because I was trying to write for the internet and not myself; it wasn’t authentic. I think historically I have written about processing intense emotions, and thankfully I haven’t had many of those in a while.
This isn’t for the internet, but I will put this up and let you all into my brain; I am glad I can still write things that are for shits and giggles and get back into it. So yeah, that is my long-ass way of saying I have missed you! See you in another six months probably <3
Oh, and remember I love you!
Love yourself,
Nashrah xo
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