This one is a work in progress I haven’t quite figured this one out yet. What is the middle ground between cutting people off completely and not letting people treat you like shit? In the age of extremism and “if he wanted to he would” how do we establish boundaries without losing the people we love?
It is easier to navigate newer relationships because as you grow you know what you are okay with and recognise the things in your old relationships that you would want to change. But you can’t shed these old relationships like snake skin. Some of them yes you will outgrow them and it is okay to leave them in the past. But there will be people you want to bring along with you and some you just can’t let go so you will have to draw the line to navigate those dynamics for the sake of your sanity.
But like how do we do it? I guess I have to admit I haven’t previously tried to do this. My communication skills were so poor that I didn’t have the ability to conflict resolute. If you hurt me once you were out; or if I made a mistake instead of apologising like a normal person I would just phase you out of my life because I couldn’t stand the thought of disappointing someone. Which was a line of thinking entirely problematic and I will dissect it another day.
But right now I am trying figure out how I can draw boundaries without building walls because as much as we want to pretend otherwise us humans are not perfect. In our lives we will inevitably make mistakes and hurt the people we love, sometimes intentionally other times not. That doesn’t mean we don’t love them. Or we don’t deserve them. So when we are on the other side of that we need to remember that they are human too. They are dealing with their own worries and woes. Contrary to popular belief, the world doesn’t actually revolve around you so neither do people’s actions.
That stings. I know. But the sooner you accept the fact that you might not be a priority to the people you have prioritised, the easier it will become for you to not be affected by their actions. Soon enough you will be able to phase them out. Take this with a pinch of salt because I don’t think this is applicable in most situations. But sometimes no matter how much you communicate your needs the other person just isn’t able or willing to comprehend them. That is not on you. But it is what it is.
Also some people just might not be at the point in their lives where they maybe be willing to see how their actions may have impacted you, regardless of the intention, and demonstrate compassion. I have been one of those people in the past. Again, not on you. But that is when you get to decide what you want to do with these people. Now I don’t believe in cutting people off anymore. That is rather dramatic and often will make things awkward when you do bump into each other (you know you will). Unless it is a break up, then please cut them off because otherwise you won’t get over them. But if it is a friend, a colleague or even a family member, some distance might do you some good.
It is in our basic nature to want to feeling loved. But what we forget often is that there is enough love to go around in the world. You don’t have to go around chasing it. Spend that energy on yourself. It can feel a little dejecting in the beginning when you are at home instead of missing out on family dinners together or that moment when you make eye contact with your crush walking by but remember you can’t text that friend you want to because you are not as close anymore or sometimes when you are looking back and old photos but can’t pick up the phone and laugh about your old inside jokes together because you are drawing boundaries but in the long term it is going to mean you are freeing up more space for people that do love you and prioritise your needs and care about your day.
As hard as letting go is, it is imperative. But letting go doesn’t mean forsaking people. It just means you are absolving them of any expectations you might have for them. They don’t have to pick up when you call during crisis but that is fine because if things have some this far then they are probably not the person you are going to reach for in the first place. So it’s okay. I am at a point in my life where I don’t have any ill feelings towards anyone. Am I annoyed sometimes? Yes absolutely. But in the grand scheme of things I am not living my life waiting for the other shoe to drop anymore. So I actively try to evaluate my relationships. If it’s going good great, if not I want to work towards making it better because I don’t want to look back in tens year wonder what could have been if I had tried a little harder.
I think for me it boundaries boil down to respect. I will try my hardest for a relationship until the moment I feel disrespected. After that I just switch off. I am not entirely sure about the mechanics of it but once the switch is flipped I have yet to experience coming back from it. It has yet to happen. But I am okay with it. Like I have said before there is enough love to go around so I am not going to beg for it. Now that I love myself I don’t want to beg to be liked, wanted, invited or loved.
I feel secure because I have an abundance of love to give and the people in my life know and reciprocate that, I call them my safety net. I am so grateful for that. So that makes boundaries easy. It is not hard work to let go of dead weight when it wasn’t adding any value to my life anymore. At one point yes it was and I will always look back at that time fondly. But just like a used tea bag or expired milk when things run its course we need to discard them. So it should be easy to draw boundaries right? So like is it still difficult sometimes?
Let me know if you figure it out.
Love Yourself,
Nashrah xo
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