Full disclaimer: I grew up on Gossip Girl. Hell my LinkedIn photo is literally me dressed up as Blair Waldorf for halloween, in an outfit I didn’t have to buy a single thing for, because I have lived and breathed that world for a long time. So the point I am trying to make is I am not above participating in petty gossip. I have done that plenty in my life. So this isn’t intended as a dig at anyone.
But I have a rule I try real hard to stick by now where I will not pursue a friendship with people who speak unfavourably towards others. I think how you speak about others says more about you than how you talk about yourself. Of course we are going think highly of ourselves or try to present ourselves in a positive light. But if you feel the need to pull someone else down to make yourself feel superior then you probably might be suffering from low self esteem, and have some healing to do. I am no expert or medical professional but I am only speaking from my own experience because I have been there too (more on that another day).
I have noticed I don’t care about what other people are getting up to when I have got things going on in my own life. I have so much on my plate that somedays I forget to breathe. I am constantly working on one thing or another so when I get two seconds during the day to myself I will not spend that gossiping about someone else. I don’t have the time or the mental capacity to do so. When I do have time I call my family or text my friends back.
However when I do chat shit it is often catalysed by being hurt. I had a tendency of putting people up on a pedestal so when they inevitably failed to live up to the idea the of them I had created in my head, unbeknownst to them, I would then pick faults to humanise them. Otherwise it would mean my judgement was skewed, and my self-esteem too fragile to handle that blow. I had to justify ways to validate my emotions and this translated in chatting shit about them.
I have had a level of self awareness from a really young age, but I think I really started noticing this when I started healing. This was a pattern of behaviour I consistently engaged in when upset, like a wounded animal lashing out, upon realisation it was hard for me reconcile and be compassionate towards myself. I had a sense of superiority complex that I believe was a trauma response from enduring too much at an age too little (again more on that another day). But I knew I didn’t want to be that person anymore.
I am a huge advocate for therapy. I think everyone who is able to access it should do so to understand themselves and the world around them better. It sure helped me understand my patterns of behaviours and trace them back to the root of the problem so I can address them, heal from them and move forward. Building up my self-esteem was the core of my first leg of therapy sessions which has really allowed me to be kinder to myself.
I am not perfect, I am never going to be but that doesn’t mean I am not good enough, I am. I don’t need to surround myself with perfect people or idolise my friends or family to feel worthy. Whilst they do elevate the person I am because they make me happier which enables me to continue being my best self, they do not determine my value. I am amazing simply because I am. It has nothing to do with anyone else.
Consequently, I have stopped feeling the need to have astronomical expectations of the people in my life. I also now communicate my needs instead of expecting them to be met automatically.
Did you know sometimes when you communicate, the other person actually listens to you and takes your words into consideration instead of gaslighting you into thinking you are being crazy and unreasonable? Me neither, but turns out it’s a thing that actually exists. As a result, there is a lot less hurt feeling, a lot less trash talking and healthier relationships.
The reason I’m writing this is to remind myself to self reflect when I inevitably revert back to harmful old habits because that isn’t the person I want to be. It also isn’t good for my mental health because the realisation behind why I succumb to gossiping I started question my instinct. For a while I couldn’t trust my own judgement and would have to ask my friends to confirm that I am not reading a person wrong, they are just shitty.
Sometimes people simply are just shitty, sharing your experiences about your interaction with them doesn’t make you a gossip. You are telling your side of the story and you have every right too. However, if you are yammering on about ghosts of someone else’s past mistakes that have no bearings on your life maybe it is time to take a step back and have a think.
You know you love me.
Love yourself,
Nashrah xo
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