You can’t love parts of someone and resent them for not changing the parts you don’t like. I have seen how that plays out first hand, it is miserable. And you’re essentially punishing yourself to an eternity of suffering. You also can’t expect people to change who they are to fit your perception of them. Even if you love them, even if they love you. The fact of the matter stands is that sometimes you’re just not compatible, and it is okay to let people go when you realise that. But I also understand that it is easier said than done.
I heard Shah Rukh Khan use the term “de-motional” to describe himself in an interview once and it really resonated with me. I don’t know the origin of the term, maybe he just made it up, but it refers to someone who is extremely emotional yet extremely detached. It is why I haven’t been shy of cutting ties with people where I have thought a person and I weren’t compatible anymore. Sometimes it warrants a conversation you know when you share utility bills so you can have a clean break, but other times people fade away. And you don’t necessarily get closure.
It is often tricky to get closure. People have different perceptions of the events that have played out and since this is real life and not an episode of Big Brother, it will inevitably turn into a he said she said situation if the parties involved lack comprehension skills. And since we aren’t taught this at school outside the context of English Literature, a lot of people struggle with it, I would know because I used to be one of those people. Perhaps I still am, I can’t really be the judge of that, I am biased. But I digress, the fact of the matter is sometimes you simply won’t get closure.
But I think that’s okay. I don’t think you need closure from a goodbye conversation. I believe we should take people at face value, and not as our perception of them. So allow me to quote Taylor Swift here because I couldn’t articulate it any better “When the words of a sister comes back in whispers that prove she was not in fact what she seemed,” believe it. That’s closure.
I believe we should really listen to people, especially when they are telling us something we don’t want to hear from them. This is often conveyed in their silence. And there is nothing more disrespectful than apathy. Refusing to engage in a conversation reeks of inference to me. As much as it may sting to hear, sometimes you simply don’t matter as much to people as they do to you. Think logically, would someone who wants you in their life not want to work through an issue that is/might be causing you pain? No, and that’s your closure.
I understand not everyone has the same communication styles, but believe me when I say it, when people care about you, they aren’t going to avoid eye contact, ask for space to save themselves a difficult conversation or leave you out in a lurch if you’re hurt. I am extremely sensitive to disrespect towards literally anyone. That is also why I am not quite keen on people who break up with their partners, character assassinate them and get back together. It demonstrates such a blatant lack of self respect from both parties. You shouldn’t be okay with a person you supposedly love saying nasty things about you. Nor should you be in a relationship with someone you have cruel opinions towards. How people speak of others says a lot about them. So believe them when they say something you probably can’t imagine came out of their mouth. You can’t foresee the first time it happens, but do you really want to sign up for a lifetime of that? If your answer is no, then that’s closure.
Not all the anecdotes above are from my life, I have extrapolated from people’s experiences I have been privy to because I felt those would be more relevant. But I have really tried to empathise with people whose lives I am borrowing from, how I would if I was trying to play the therapist friend, a role which I have thoroughly enjoyed playing since I was like about nine years old. So I do understand that not everyone will be able to cut ties and not look back like I do, and not everyone should have to. I think it’s a trait I have developed as a result of some childhood trauma sprinkled with a need of self preservation. Over the years I have also had the pleasure of being surrounded by incredible people. I am really proud of the people I choose to call friends and they have really raised the bar high, the bare minimum simply isn’t enough anymore. So I don’t feel the need to keep people around who aren’t meeting those standards. I always say there is enough love to go around, so you shouldn’t have to beg for it, ever.
Which is probably why I find it so easy to let someone go without denying they were ever a part of my life. I can not want someone in my life anymore, without erasing evidence of their existence from it. It’s not that I am saying it doesn’t hurt. Of course it does. Like a root canal. But when something is toxic or causing you pain repeatedly, you’ve got to take it out if you want to survive it.
This entry isn’t really isn’t about cutting ties, or blatant detachment. This also isn’t about most conflicts because those can be resolved. This is about the ones you can’t. This one is about the times that have you screaming at your phone at 3 in the morning with snot running down your nose and tears stream down your face as you trying and fail to understand each other’s words so you have no option but to go. You don’t really know why, but you know times run out. This one is about when you bump into someone who is now a stranger and you have no interest in knowing what is new with their life. This one is about knowing you deserve better. I think that is what closure really is to me. Not a PEEL paragraph of what went wrong, but rather simply just knowing when you deserve better. But you don’t have to take my word for it.
I hadn’t really started this out to be on closure. I don’t feel qualified to speak on it, there is still stuff from the past I haven’t gotten over that I have to through over several hours in therapy. But basically I had the first sentence of this entry pop up in my head at 3 in the morning, as I was reading a completely unrelated romance book. Which I thought was really interesting, considering I haven’t had one of these sparks in months. Which is why I haven’t updated this blog in three months. I can’t write based on prompts, it has to be something I want to process, that will come to me naturally and I will have to see it through otherwise will get lost in my notes app like many others have these past couple of months, it’s not that I haven’t written these past couple of months. But they are all extracts of incomplete thoughts, embroiled in deeply personal tangents I am not willing to share on the internet just yet.
For now you’ve got a 3am ramble after 3 months of a writers blog, littered with Taylor Swift references, about why knowing you deserve better should be reason enough. I will proofread this tomorrow and post it. I was going to wrap up 2023 in my next entry, but things truly never go as I plan, but for the better I think. This was so much fun to write. So if I don’t end up writing that, and you’ve made it this far reading, I love you for being so absolutely nosey, and it brings my heart so much joy and I hope your 2024 is even better than my 2023 was, because it was a great fucking year.
Love yourself,
Nashrah xo
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