How do you deal with disappointment? No, not the kind you face when someone lets you down. How do you combat the kind of disappointment when you let yourself down? The epicentre of my existence is grounded in trying to be the best at everything I do, and I hold myself to incredibly high standards. Therefore, when someone expresses I have failed to do that, or I haven’t managed to meet the expectations I have for myself it is hard not to feel like a failure.
Why does the word “failure” have such a catastrophic connotation attached to it? Why do I feel ashamed of failing? I tell everyone to not be afraid of making mistakes, that is how we learn. The more we expose ourselves to situations we aren’t familiar with the more susceptible we are to failure. And as my therapist once said, “The more times we fail the smaller the impact of each particular failure becomes.”
Easier said than done. Anyone who has tried will tell you. Trying is so hard. Trying not to give into the temptation of self destructive behaviour which the rational part of you knows is bad for you. You don’t actually even want to do it. But there is this nagging voice inside your head playing a constant slide show of the what-ifs. Our minds can be our greatest allies but also our greatest nemesis.
Healing is so incredible hard. No one warns you how often you will scrape your knees trying learn how to walk. Waking up every morning is a battle when I want to stay protected within the walls of my room. But hermits rarely make history. So after five extra minutes under my duvet, I get out of bed, put on my big girl trousers and attempt to tackle the demogorgons in my diary for the day.
Recently, I had a conversation with a friend about being hard on ourselves because we had parents who have always been supportive of whatever it is we wanted to do. They didn’t believe in helicopter parenting. So we never had to battle the pressure of doing well at school, topping our years or anything else that brown children stereotypically face at home.
Personally, I did well because I was smart and I asked questions because I was curious. There was really no method to my success, my go to answer whenever I got asked how I did well on a test without studying was ‘I don’t know’ because I didn’t. I was just smart. It was what I brought to the table.
So for a long time, I derived my value from grades because that was the thing I was good at. I don’t do that anymore because I refuse to let my worth be reduced to my academic success. Not because I am suddenly failing at those things, I am not. But because I know I bring a lot more to the table than my grades. Anyone would be lucky to have me in their lives because I care deeply and hold myself to incredibly high standards to make the people I love feel loved and celebrated.
However, all good things come at a cost. For me, said cost is getting so consumed in catering to everyone else’s needs it is rather easy for me to lose sight of myself. So when I inevitably start struggling, because of the astronomical standards I hold myself to, it feels like it is the end of the world.
The voices in my head get real loud. I have disappointed my parents. I have let down my mentors. I have upset my friends and now everybody collectively hates me. So what is the point of keep going? I am better off isolating myself and shutting down.
When you disappoint others you can justify your actions in hopes they will understand why you disappointed them, and more often than not because they love you, they will get it. But how do you convince yourself you tried your best when you know you didn’t?
You were too burnt out, you failed to take care of yourself and you recognise the patterns of behaviour your find yourself repeating. You knew what was bad and did nothing to change that. So can you convince yourself you have tried your best when you know you haven’t?
What my therapist has tried to get me to do is breaking my goals into smaller targets. So I can have smaller milestones which although will still culminate into my goals being met, have lower stakes so as a result if I do make mistakes which I inevitably will, it will not be the end of the world. It won’t sent me down spiralling the rabbit hole of self doubt.
I don’t think I will ever stop being hard on myself, because that is what has gotten me so far. Whilst I do have a fear of failure, my biggest fear is becoming complacent. That is how a person fails. That is when they stop growing. Mistakes don’t make someone a failure, their inability to take accountability for their actions and correct their behaviour afterwards is what makes that person a failure.
I wrote this to process my thoughts not actually intending to share it, but I think there is definitely someone out there who probably needs to hear this. So when you do read this, remember to be kind to yourself but don’t confuse making excuses for your actions as kindness.
Love yourself,
Nashrah xo
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