You’re fine, you’re ok. Yes some days you will not leave your bed, other times be a corpse of a human being for weeks because you’re overwhelmed. But you’re fine, you’re ok. Being ok doesn’t mean being happy and healthy and social and productive at all times. If that were the case life would be rather fucking boring LOL. In mine opinion life is like a SinCos graph (or sound waves for my non-mathethical buddies). There will be up and downs in all aspects of your life at all times. The downs are what make you appreciate the ups.
Sometimes they might also over lap, where your personal life might be going up in shambles, so then you take comfort in knowing at least you’re going to channel all that energy into your studies and get good grades. Other times you might appear to be having the time of your life but really you are miserable and lonely and wasting your youth away in mindless pursuits to avoid facing your fear of failure.
I have had this thing where I would catastrophize the littlest things. Using tiny events to pretend like it is the end of the world, so I could use it as an excuse for spiralling. Allow me to illustrate some of the ghosts of my past mistakes. My takeaway order didn’t come with cutlery? What a grave inconvenience I would to use that as an excuse to order another round because I want to indulge myself on a bad day. I got rejected for another one of the hundreds of jobs I applied for? I must be absolutely useless and unemployable so I would have just stopped applying, so I stopped getting rejected. I got into an argument with a friend? I would just lock myself in my room and wallow in self pity instead of addressing the conflict and moving on.
Maybe it was main character syndrome but whenever something happened to me that wasn’t according to the optimum outcome I had imagined for myself (regardless of whether I put in the work for it or not) I would use that to “act out” per say. The consequence of which really harming no one but me. No one else was going to be directly impacted by my binge eating or my refusal to apply to jobs or hell even isolating myself.
These were all things I have done over the span of the last three years. I have also felt a great deal of shame in these, when I was questioned about the endless stream of takeouts I had that week or how my job search was going? I did recognise there was something wrong with my coping mechanisms but I let it continue because I didn’t know how to seek help for it. In order for me to seek treatment I would have to be honest with a counsellor about everything and I wasn’t ready to be honest with myself. But no one have pulled me out of that mindset but myself.
I wasn’t ready to be honest, I wasn’t strong enough to face the things about myself I had to improve upon, such as my struggle with maintaining a disciplined routine. I attempt to fill my days with as much work as I can, especially work involving other people, in order to be held accountable if I fail to show up, or perform anything but my best because I HATE letting people down. I am better at it now than I was a couple of years ago but it is still something I battle with everyday, and probably one I will have to work towards maintaining for the rest of my life.
This past month was especially hard. Looking back at it, there was nothing wrong per se, the average person stalking my instagram would think I had a great month. Hell I went to Swiftogeddon twice, of course I had a great month. But there were also days when I didn’t leave my bed before sunset or see/ speak to another human being for over a couple of days. I was occasionally starving myself because I didn’t have the energy to get out of bed to eat. But there were also days when I hosted parties and socialised and had a great time.
Yet everything was kinda meh, it was because I wasn’t being honest with myself again. I was falling back into old patterns. I was doing things I shouldn’t, things that felt good in the moment, but I hated myself for it when the high wore off. Depressive episodes are a bitch. On the contrary, self aware is a gift and a curse. Fortunately for you guys, I have been blessed with both.
There are still days when I don’t leave my bed and that is okay, that is fine. Somedays I am more excited about things than others but I also have days I am just trying to get through, which is okay, it is fine. Today I was supposed be halfway done with drafting one of my final year coursework that is worth 100% of my grade but instead I cut the grass in my garden, and wrote this entry, which yes you guessed it, is fine, and it most definitely is ok. It doesn’t mean I can’t try again today as soon as I finish writing and uploading this. All I can really to is keep trying until I am able to do what I need to.
If I didn’t get up after the first time I fell when I was learning how to walk as a toddler, I would’ve never been able to walk. I am sure it hurt and being the drama queen I am, I made a huge fuss about it that sent my dad spiralling because he starts panicking when I cry, even now. But I don’t remember any of that, similarly, once I have handed in this coursework I wouldn’t remember how hard it was for me to sit and write it what I will remember is the grade I get (SO PLEASE PRAY I GET A GOOD ONE). In order to do that I will just have to keep trying until I am able to do what I need to.
Nothing is ever as catastrophic as our minds make them out to be. But when you are overwhelmed with shame, guilt and self-pity you are unable to filter through your feelings and be rational. So speak to someone or if you really feel like you can’t, write it down in your journal and come to have a read at it later. You will know what to do once you have had some time to absorb whatever it is you’re struggling with.
So yeah, I am ok. I am fine. And guess what? So are you! Even when you are being dramatic and feel like it is the end of the world, so allow me to role my eyes and tell you. You’re ok. You’re fine.
If you want ever want someone to listen I am your pal always 🫶🏼
Love yourself,
Nashrah xo
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