If my life was a tragic comedy, ghosting would be my fatal flaw. BUT I AM GETTING A LOT BETTER. I call people now! Like all the fucking time. Which again if you know me you’d know I would absolutely avoid at all costs. So I am definitely doing better. I was just simply drowning in life, trying to keep up with everything and everyone over the summer. That is kind of what this little update is about. Simply a life update on the last couple of months. No boy drama, friend drama or family drama.
Since we last spoke I graduated, moved across the country and started a whole new job, like a big girl office job with pension contributions and what not. Oh didn’t I mention I graduated? Which was fun and a little chaotic. I had a little graduation party and the next day I packed my whole life into boxes and moved back home. For the next three weeks I was like a puppy running around to catch a bone as I tried to fit in as many people as possible before left London for good (for at least a little while).
If this was three years ago, I would have been absolutely terrified to go through every single thing I have experienced these last couple of weeks. Having to walk into an orientation full of 48 other graduates trying everything to make sure they like you. Not saying anything because you’re too afraid of saying the wrong thing or saying too much and making a fool out of yourself. Like all valid fears that many people experience, as did I for a long time. I had extreme people pleasing tendencies which I think stemmed from me not actually liking myself.
But then I went and had counselling, spoke through my feelings and started liking myself so I wasn’t seeking external validation anymore. So now I just live life like an under-qualified and over-entitled white man who thinks the world runs on his whims. When I walk into a room, the only thing I am concerned about now is whether I like the people in that room and not whether they like me. That’s probably why walking into new rooms really excite me now, but it wasn’t always my favourite thing in the world. I had to grow into it.
For a while there every couple of years, when I would finally have my shit together and then suddenly something would happen that would alter the course of my entire existence. Like having a rug being pulled from under you. And that definitely wasn’t fun because I used to hate change, more than kids hated dentists. I wanted nothing to do with it. Change to me was like that ex that will still pop up once every now and then years after you guys are done. Fucking annoying.
But then I had a shift in perspective, probably last summer, where I realised everything good that has happened to me was because some (at the time) catastrophic thing change to my life I had no control over and I am better for it. So why waste my energy throwing a tantrum about something I have no control over when I will inevitably have to adapt to it eventually.
This all has resulted from an epiphany I had when a friend asked if I was scared about my cross country move and starting afresh so far. I mean don’t get me wrong, the me from two years ago would very likely be scared and nervous, coming home from work everyday and crying myself to sleep. But now I have, what I have come to title, “The Kabir Thapar Syndrome”.
I don’t ever want to get too comfortable in one place, so moving around and uprooting myself every couple of years seems like a really fun way to keep my gears running. I should absolutely be scared but I am not because I love that I get to do this. I can’t wait to bunny hop (pun intended) around the world with my unwavering naivety and faith in myself that I will be okay, eventually. Oh my lord that was such a soap box, but I mean every word of it.
So yes that’s what’s been happening, I have been settling into my new job, going back and crashing at my friend’s place as I house hunt in the evenings. My cohort seems okay but everyone has been asking me if I have made friends or not. To which I would say the verdict is still out, because once you have tasted caviar one doesn’t usually settle for catfish. And in case you didn’t get the metaphor my friends are caviar. So it’s still early days, I am however excited to see who I remain in touch with by this time next year. There are lots of little things that have happened in the middle which don’t feel significant enough yet to mandate screaming them on the internet to process my feelings about them so this is what you’re getting from me for now.
Alright that’s it. Tell me how you’re doing and feel free to trauma dump in my DMs. I might take to two months to respond to a how are you but if there’s a crisis ( and not just the ones on a Wednesday night in Rock City) you know I am there.
Oh and if you find typos because you most likely will, fucking tell me. PLEASE :-D xo
Love yourself,
Nashrah xo
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