So I just had a really horrible day but also a really productive one. It’s this dichotomy I have frequently found myself in where different parts of my life move in different directions. Haphazardly miscreant, I am unable to enjoy the good things I have achieved as a result of something else (usually unrelated) that isn’t even in my control. I often advise that we shouldn’t worry about things not in our control but it is hard not to. When you feel like you are carrying the insurmountable burden of the world on your shoulders it is hard to pause for a minute and look at the bigger picture. That at the end of the day whatever it is you are worrying about does not matter. Like at all. When you look back at this moment in a year’s time you are going to roll your eyes at how dramatic you were being. In five years time you won’t even remember it.
So is it really worth getting on the next train home? Probably not, but I am dramatic. Irrespective of how introspective I am, I struggle with processing my feelings, until I have had some distance from it. So this is just some attempt to calm my nerves down. I write to process my thoughts. It allows me to take a step back and look at situation from a bird’s eye point of view. So here is me processing.
I am currently ghosting pretty much everyone I love. Another reason I like being home during what I call a crisis weekend is because I am never alone even when I am emotionally and physically spent from worrying because I can count on being fed, cuddled and cared for on days I don’t leave my bed. I don’t like this version of myself the kind that sits around and mopes. I am the fun friend. You can always count on me to have good time. So I retreat in the cocoon that is parent’s home until I am ready to face the mirror again. It isn’t healthy, and it is something I am working to fix but I am exhausted. I just want a long island holiday where I am sitting by the beach reading all day.
But I can’t, because I am drowning in work and I have four exams to sit within the next three weeks. Which is extremely stressful because these are my final year exams which makes the stakes that much higher. The latter half of this past year has been really difficult on my mental health. I am unsure why. But I have felt myself shut down on days and it’s taken me weeks to recover from it. When something catastrophic happens like an illness or a set back or a break up you are able to explain away your poor mood and productivity on that. But I am not really sure what the catalyst for my melancholic mood has been. What I am sure of is, I am just really fucking stressed about these exams I have, and extremely fucking jealous of my friends who have handed in their last piece of course work or sat their exams (fuck you, I am really proud but also really fucking jealous). So for the next couple of weeks I am about to become a robot.
This happens all the time though, and I get over it eventually but I just need to write this down so that I was able to remind myself of this very thing. That I will be fine eventually. As far as traumatic exam seasons go, I am sure literally nothing can beat last year when I was fresh of the wounds of both a friendship and a quasi-romantic break up, so if I can weather that when it literally felt like the end of the world, I know I will be fine this time. I am just being dramatic. So yeah I guess that is what I wanted to say. Often times I write about things, or at least post about them once I have dealt with them, but me having a little bit of a mental health crisis or exam season anxiety during mental health awareness week feels like something that needs to be shared now. So if you are reading this and are also struggling, hi friend, take comfort in knowing you aren’t the only one.
Good luck for your exams. Remember to take care of yourselves.
Love Yourself, Nashrah xo
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